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Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014)

D: Jonathan Liebesman / 101m

Cast: Megan Fox, Will Arnett, William Fichtner, Alan Ritchson, Noel Fisher, Pete Ploszek, Jeremy Howard, Danny Woodburn, Tohoru Masamune, Whoopi Goldberg, Minae Noji, Johnny Knoxville, Tony Shalhoub

Ten reasons NOT to see this movie:

1) Megan Fox – still trying too hard and still unable to display even a hint of a recognisable or credible emotion.

2) Splinter learns jujitsu from a book.

3) Splinter teaches the turtles jujitsu – after learning from a book.

4) April O’Neil saves the turtles and Splinter from a lab fire – only to dump them into a sewer.

5) The Foot Clan ninjas use automatic weapons – they never use their ninja skills.

6) April O’Neil tries to convince her boss that there are mutant ninja turtles acting as vigilantes – and doesn’t provide a shred of proof – twice.

7) The New York sewer system contains enough discarded electronic equipment to assemble a sophisticated, city-wide surveillance system.

8) The super-rich bad guy’s only reason for being the bad guy is so he can be even richer.

9) April O’Neil is the subject of constant sexual harassment from Michelangelo – this is regarded as humour.

10) Turtles – apparently – are bulletproof.

Rating: 2/10 – so bad it’s a crime, and continuing evidence that Michael Bay’s Platinum Dunes has no idea how to reboot a franchise or remake a movie from the Eighties; as poorly executed as you might expect, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles drains the life out of its own premise, and gives new meaning to the word “awful”.